Imagine these two (paraphrased) research statistics being bookends on a young woman’s “bookshelf of life.”
The single biggest predictor of poverty among women is the birth of their first child.
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Putting off having children for 10 years doubles a young woman’s lifetime earnings.
I know deep down you know how valuable you are. You’re smart, you’re fast. You’re well loved. You have degrees and credentials. And experience. You can look back on your career and tick off a passel of accomplishments. You are a store of value and the shelves are stocked full.
So why are you:
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Avoiding conflict, however, can be damaging and deprive us of opportunity. Overcoming conflict requires courage. It takes courage to acknowledge our human fallibility, acknowledge wrongdoings, make amends and reconcile with our fellows.
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When we wake up from our negotiation slumber, we start recognizing that we've been negotiating all our lives and doing a pretty bang up job of it. When we REALLY wake up and learn the basics of negotiation, we become toddlers again. We run into things, bang up our shins and bonk our negotiation noggins. We struggle to find ways to authentically negotiate and put our new negotiation toys into practice.
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You’d think that all our cultural conditioning to be fair, unselfish, accommodating and collaborative would show up in our language and our conversations in a positive way.
With an upswing at the end of our sentences. But it doesn’t because we’re burying our potential and it’s inauthentic.
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That downswing in our voices belies our fears limiting beliefs.
What are you craving? Balance again? Seriously? What about purpose? Joy? Organization? Flex? Productivity? A great oatmeal cookie? A belly laugh? Health? Happiness? A job? A raise? Children? Vacation? Savings? Lung capacity? Fresh air? Conversation?
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Your boss is the poster child for the wage gap and career milquetoast. She doesn’t want to rock the boat, ask for too much, or appear greedy and ungrateful.
She is not awake, not conscious.
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Too much preparation and thinking can kill the actor’s connection with other actors, and impair his/her ability to respond authentically in the moment.
The actor needs to toss the mechanics and perform—interact with other characters and the audience—to realize the full potential of the play.
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It’s the same with negotiation. While the process is full of planning and at the table strategies and tactics, it is primarily a communication discipline in which the craft disappears in favor of conversation.